Two...

Two fucking movies. And you had every chance to watch them with me. DO NOT bitch about me not wanting to watch television with you when you're going to do the exact same fucking thing to me.

And to make it worse before it even began?
I told you that Jason said he wanted to hang out with ME. So you assume that he's just some dickwad who wants to steal your girlfriend.

Politics

You've been trying to do anything and everything to get me to change my mind from voting for the black democrat. Why? Are you really that racist? You've sat here showing me everything that was on the fucking internet bashing him just so I'll vote for McCain. Well, guess what? If it weren't for Palin, I WOULD be voting for him. K? Yeah. It's just that I'm not going to sit there and have someone who believes that no women should have rights over their own bodies tell me how to live. FUCK YOU. I will vote for who I want to vote for. I am not your puppet. I stopped that a long time ago. MY OPINION MATTERS. Whether you want to believe it or not.

So yeah. Fuck you. Why don't you go make babies with Palin since you love her so goddamned much.

And it's like...

... you don't even care. I sit here, day after fucking day. I deal with you. You said that it's "so like a man to want sex and then get out of bed afterwards." Well, yeah. I am the man in this relationship because for three fucking years you're showed yourself to be a pussy.

And you know what? I fucking told you how I felt last night. I fucking did. And what did you do? Instead of telling me that you're sorry and you'll try to change, you fucking defended yourself. "No, I don't do that. And besides blah blah blah." And you change the fucking subject instead of dealing with things. For someone who adores confrontation, you sure do change the subject quick. If you're going to start shit with me, be fucking ready to deal with the consequences.
I think the main reason I'll be leaving is because I'm just so sick of defending you in front of my family. Nobody likes the fact that you're eighteen years older than me. Nobody. Maybe your little friends out in the world think it's "hot" or whatever, but my family cannot fucking stand you. Do you know how it felt when I was mistaken that you were the only boyfriend dad ever liked? I had told half of my fucking family that believing that it was true, only to find out that he never told me he didn't like you. I get it. I can see that he didn't want to hurt his daughters feelings, but I felt like SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. And you know what? The next boyfriend I have will be an all-around good person. Because hopefully, the next boyfriend I have will be him. And he will care about me. And we'll have a good, open communication relationship. It's just so hard to deal with you. I can't talk to you about anything, because you just don't want to hear it. I try. But every suggestion I bring up to make our relationship better ... you just don't care. So I've given up. And I'll be glad when I'm gone.
Yeah, it's going to hurt. But not forever. It's going to hurt me like hell to actually leave you. But then I'll realize that I'm doing it for the best. I'm doing it to make myself and you happier. Because, whether you want to believe it or not, we're not right together. We're both argumentative. We're both bitches. And I wouldn't be such a bitch if I didn't have to defend every fucking person I come into contact with.

BTW, what the fuck was up with you last night? I was with YOUR BROTHER. Not some random stranger. So why'd you get so pissy with me being out a little later? You had every opportunity to stay. But you wanted to try to ruin the interaction I was having with another human being. You wanted to fuck up any friendship I had with anyone. And at first I thought it was just with Jason. You don't know him so you don't like him. Great. But your brother... he's a good guy. Do you REALLY believe he's going to try to hit on me? Really? Because you and I both know that he won't. You just don't want me to talk to anyone but you. You'll come up with any excuse you can to be mad at me, and that's why I think you secretly want our relationship to be over. So I guess I'll be doing us both a favor.

You wonder why I don't give you blowjobs that often? It's because your cock is so fucking dirty half the time. Shower - then we'll talk. Kay?

I still have that sneaking suspicion that you're cheating on me. You probably are. That's probably why you'll pick a fight with me over anything.

Another BTW: How come you always bitch about something not being done WHEN I FUCKING START DOING IT?! Okay, the dishes needed to be done. I got some of them done. Then you came home bitching about how they needed to be done for this long and nobody ever got them started. Yeah. I did. I just don't know what your problem is. You have some serious anger issues that you need to figure out.
And you know what? This house would have been cleaner sooner if I had some help. Guess the only way to get you to do anything is to stay and hang out with your brother for a while. Then you start getting so pissed off that you actually face your responsibilities. Hrm. Interesting.

And you know, I kind of don't want to go have lunch with Jason, because I know that one day you'll be coming home and bitching cause "I wasn't there." Whatever. You don't want me having friends? Fucking admit it instead of moving every which way around the subject. But the reason I don't want to go have lunch with him? Because it'll start another fucking fight over something completely retarded. I want you to meet him. I do. But he already hates you for fucking raping me. And he's already wanting to kill your ass. And overall, I'm embarassed by you. You're dirty, your teeth are seriously fucked up because you never cared to take care of your personal hygiene. You're a complete asshole around my friends. That's why Tim doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Because you scared him away. I just hate you. But I will always love you. Just because of the fact that you were there when Billy was a cocksucker to me.
We'd be great friends. But this breakup isn't going to go that well. I just know it.



One month. Until I'm gone.

John

Re-reading some of the past entries in here, and I just got SO SICK to my stomach. Because you're absolutely disgusting. I hate you.

I'm seriously sitting here gagging. How long has it been since you showered last? Two weeks, a month?
You're gross. I don't like you. Leave me alone.

You won't get it.

Even though you think you will. It's really difficult for me to even slightly express myself to you.

You're going to marry her? I don't know if I can handle this. She's not the girl for you. She uses you. She goes out to bars with other men. And you allow this. She's cheating on you. And you refuse to believe it because she tells you that she loves you. I'm sorry, Jason, but I just can't tell you this. Even though I truly believe it to be the truth.
I'm sorry.

And I know that all of my jealousy springs from her. How wonderfully pretty she is. How "sweet" and innocent she acts. How she's yours, and I'm his. I don't want to be with John. I have got to get out of here. I swear, if you had invited me to go to Dallas with you, I would have gone. We need to spend some time together, just so I can let you see what's going on.

I just wonder if all of those comments you text me are your true feelings or just something that sounds cool to say. My self esteem is shitty right now, and knowing that you're planning on marrying her... well, it's so close to me grabbing the knife. Just because I don't want to see you hurt. And I kept thinking of it last night, and how I would do anything just to see you happy. I just don't want to see you getting hurt. You're my friend. I care about you. In fact, you're the only friend I have who I don't feel is using me.
Even R only talks to me when she needs someone to listen. And for a long time there was no problem with that. But I'm working hard to become a better person. And everyone just keeps trying to pull me backwards. You're the only one pushing me forward.

I need to get away from John. If only for a few hours, I do. I wish you weren't so busy this week.









I miss you.
And I love you and always will.

How?

How can I make you see that your depression and anxiety towards her is JUSTIFIED?! She's using you. She HAS been using you. I can't fucking tell you this for fear of losing you as a friend. Life is hard.
On the other hand, you and you alone are the reason I'm not dead right now. Yes, I would have killed myself last night. So thank you for texting me while I was lying in bed crying to myself. Crying out for help and you were the only one who listened. I love you for that.

JUST LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU. Please. I don't want to see you getting hurt. If you would just go with your instincts and leave her, you'd get it. She doesn't need you or seem to want you. She's just another cunt using you.
How can you NOT see it? Love is NOT blind. You can see it, you just refuse to. You won't believe it. Not until she royally screws you over. I'm sorry.


I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you. But I can't.

Thank you...

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being there for me last night. Thank you for caring. I love you. I really do. I care about you more than I care for any other being.
You keep telling me that I'm a "kickass chick" and I can only hope that you'll see that this is me. I am the person you are seeing. Nobody else has ever given me a chance to open up to you the way I'm able to. Nobody else has ever cared as much as you do.
You need to dump her. It will no doubtedly hurt her, but it's in YOUR best interest. It's YOUR heart I'm worried about. I don't know her, but what I know from your words is that she uses you. She uses you and you put up with it. Why? You assume things will get better. I assumed that as well. I only want to see you happy, and I think that you'd be happiest with me. We are SO MUCH alike. She's only going to end up hurting you in the end. You need to end it. You need to be with me. And I with you.

To John.
WHY?! Why did you feel the need to have passionate sex after three fucking years of nothing even near it? It made me cry afterwards. You didn't notice that. I hated you for hours afterwards. Just for making me feel like I could still love you. You have NEVER french kissed me. Why now? Did you cheat? Did you break my trust somehow? It's just not right. You've done something. You've done something bad, and I will not stop until I find it. I'll be leaving in this year. I'll be leaving where I can be happy.
THIS is why I need my license. I don't need a job. I need a license. That way, I can just take my car, pack it with my things, and leave. And never fucking come back. You can keep the animals. You can keep the mediocre things that I thought meant something. It will be hard to break up with you. Because you always blame me for everything. Because everything has always been my fault. Because according to you, I'm just an idiot who can do nothing right. I hate it. I have hated it. I just don't think I can take it much more. As soon as his house gets built, I'm moving in. And I'm leaving here. I'm leaving you. And I will finally be happy once I'm gone. And I will wait. I will wait until I can be Jason's girl. We will have a beautiful relationship. We will try to have a child together. We will be perfect, which is too much for you to even comprehend.

I do not need you. I do not need the sarcastic comments. I do not need the mental abuse every fucking day. I do not need you bitching about my friends just because I enjoy talking to them. I do not need YOU.

I'll be gone soon enough. At which point, there will be nothing you can do. I'll be gone, you'll be alone. Things will be wonderful in my life.
Yes, I will cry over what might have been. But then I will tell myself that it never could have been, because you were a jerk to me too many times. And I put up with it because I thought I loved you.