What the fuck?

And tonight, John, you ALMOST lost a friend for me. Because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. And Jason almost wanted nothing to do with me because he thought by that journal entry that YOU were getting upset at our friendship, which you are.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE FRIENDS and still be in a relationship with you? I just can't do it. Either I have to lose everyone, or I have to lose you.
I've been thinking about it SO MUCH lately. It's the only thing besides daddy's death that's still fuming in the back of my mind.
If only I had a place to go.
If only I had money to take care of myself.
If only I didn't CARE so fucking much.
If only...

It's always an "if only" situation with you. I wish that I could just flat out tell you what you do to my heart. It's like you're rolling it over with your truck EVERY TIME you say or do something like this. And part of me is wishing I had the strength to leave. And part of me is wishing there were a way to make things better. And part of me is just wanting to kill myself rather than deal with the confrontation of talking to you about it.
Why do I ALWAYS get hurt by you? Why don't I have a tough outer shell like everyone else around? Why must I suffer from the mental abuse from you? Why am I not smart enough to leave?
And don't get me wrong, I've tried. I have spent three fucking years trying. But nothing ever changes. You just keep killing me inside.
I have had more thoughts of suicide in this relationship than any other time in my life.

I like to pretend that it's just how life is turning out for us, it's just the stress. But I'm realizing more and more that it's just you.


You hurt my heart. Every fucking time. And I don't know how much longer until I die from it, from my own hand.