Two...

Two fucking movies. And you had every chance to watch them with me. DO NOT bitch about me not wanting to watch television with you when you're going to do the exact same fucking thing to me.

And to make it worse before it even began?
I told you that Jason said he wanted to hang out with ME. So you assume that he's just some dickwad who wants to steal your girlfriend.

Politics

You've been trying to do anything and everything to get me to change my mind from voting for the black democrat. Why? Are you really that racist? You've sat here showing me everything that was on the fucking internet bashing him just so I'll vote for McCain. Well, guess what? If it weren't for Palin, I WOULD be voting for him. K? Yeah. It's just that I'm not going to sit there and have someone who believes that no women should have rights over their own bodies tell me how to live. FUCK YOU. I will vote for who I want to vote for. I am not your puppet. I stopped that a long time ago. MY OPINION MATTERS. Whether you want to believe it or not.

So yeah. Fuck you. Why don't you go make babies with Palin since you love her so goddamned much.

And it's like...

... you don't even care. I sit here, day after fucking day. I deal with you. You said that it's "so like a man to want sex and then get out of bed afterwards." Well, yeah. I am the man in this relationship because for three fucking years you're showed yourself to be a pussy.

And you know what? I fucking told you how I felt last night. I fucking did. And what did you do? Instead of telling me that you're sorry and you'll try to change, you fucking defended yourself. "No, I don't do that. And besides blah blah blah." And you change the fucking subject instead of dealing with things. For someone who adores confrontation, you sure do change the subject quick. If you're going to start shit with me, be fucking ready to deal with the consequences.
I think the main reason I'll be leaving is because I'm just so sick of defending you in front of my family. Nobody likes the fact that you're eighteen years older than me. Nobody. Maybe your little friends out in the world think it's "hot" or whatever, but my family cannot fucking stand you. Do you know how it felt when I was mistaken that you were the only boyfriend dad ever liked? I had told half of my fucking family that believing that it was true, only to find out that he never told me he didn't like you. I get it. I can see that he didn't want to hurt his daughters feelings, but I felt like SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. And you know what? The next boyfriend I have will be an all-around good person. Because hopefully, the next boyfriend I have will be him. And he will care about me. And we'll have a good, open communication relationship. It's just so hard to deal with you. I can't talk to you about anything, because you just don't want to hear it. I try. But every suggestion I bring up to make our relationship better ... you just don't care. So I've given up. And I'll be glad when I'm gone.
Yeah, it's going to hurt. But not forever. It's going to hurt me like hell to actually leave you. But then I'll realize that I'm doing it for the best. I'm doing it to make myself and you happier. Because, whether you want to believe it or not, we're not right together. We're both argumentative. We're both bitches. And I wouldn't be such a bitch if I didn't have to defend every fucking person I come into contact with.

BTW, what the fuck was up with you last night? I was with YOUR BROTHER. Not some random stranger. So why'd you get so pissy with me being out a little later? You had every opportunity to stay. But you wanted to try to ruin the interaction I was having with another human being. You wanted to fuck up any friendship I had with anyone. And at first I thought it was just with Jason. You don't know him so you don't like him. Great. But your brother... he's a good guy. Do you REALLY believe he's going to try to hit on me? Really? Because you and I both know that he won't. You just don't want me to talk to anyone but you. You'll come up with any excuse you can to be mad at me, and that's why I think you secretly want our relationship to be over. So I guess I'll be doing us both a favor.

You wonder why I don't give you blowjobs that often? It's because your cock is so fucking dirty half the time. Shower - then we'll talk. Kay?

I still have that sneaking suspicion that you're cheating on me. You probably are. That's probably why you'll pick a fight with me over anything.

Another BTW: How come you always bitch about something not being done WHEN I FUCKING START DOING IT?! Okay, the dishes needed to be done. I got some of them done. Then you came home bitching about how they needed to be done for this long and nobody ever got them started. Yeah. I did. I just don't know what your problem is. You have some serious anger issues that you need to figure out.
And you know what? This house would have been cleaner sooner if I had some help. Guess the only way to get you to do anything is to stay and hang out with your brother for a while. Then you start getting so pissed off that you actually face your responsibilities. Hrm. Interesting.

And you know, I kind of don't want to go have lunch with Jason, because I know that one day you'll be coming home and bitching cause "I wasn't there." Whatever. You don't want me having friends? Fucking admit it instead of moving every which way around the subject. But the reason I don't want to go have lunch with him? Because it'll start another fucking fight over something completely retarded. I want you to meet him. I do. But he already hates you for fucking raping me. And he's already wanting to kill your ass. And overall, I'm embarassed by you. You're dirty, your teeth are seriously fucked up because you never cared to take care of your personal hygiene. You're a complete asshole around my friends. That's why Tim doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Because you scared him away. I just hate you. But I will always love you. Just because of the fact that you were there when Billy was a cocksucker to me.
We'd be great friends. But this breakup isn't going to go that well. I just know it.



One month. Until I'm gone.

John

Re-reading some of the past entries in here, and I just got SO SICK to my stomach. Because you're absolutely disgusting. I hate you.

I'm seriously sitting here gagging. How long has it been since you showered last? Two weeks, a month?
You're gross. I don't like you. Leave me alone.

You won't get it.

Even though you think you will. It's really difficult for me to even slightly express myself to you.

You're going to marry her? I don't know if I can handle this. She's not the girl for you. She uses you. She goes out to bars with other men. And you allow this. She's cheating on you. And you refuse to believe it because she tells you that she loves you. I'm sorry, Jason, but I just can't tell you this. Even though I truly believe it to be the truth.
I'm sorry.

And I know that all of my jealousy springs from her. How wonderfully pretty she is. How "sweet" and innocent she acts. How she's yours, and I'm his. I don't want to be with John. I have got to get out of here. I swear, if you had invited me to go to Dallas with you, I would have gone. We need to spend some time together, just so I can let you see what's going on.

I just wonder if all of those comments you text me are your true feelings or just something that sounds cool to say. My self esteem is shitty right now, and knowing that you're planning on marrying her... well, it's so close to me grabbing the knife. Just because I don't want to see you hurt. And I kept thinking of it last night, and how I would do anything just to see you happy. I just don't want to see you getting hurt. You're my friend. I care about you. In fact, you're the only friend I have who I don't feel is using me.
Even R only talks to me when she needs someone to listen. And for a long time there was no problem with that. But I'm working hard to become a better person. And everyone just keeps trying to pull me backwards. You're the only one pushing me forward.

I need to get away from John. If only for a few hours, I do. I wish you weren't so busy this week.









I miss you.
And I love you and always will.

How?

How can I make you see that your depression and anxiety towards her is JUSTIFIED?! She's using you. She HAS been using you. I can't fucking tell you this for fear of losing you as a friend. Life is hard.
On the other hand, you and you alone are the reason I'm not dead right now. Yes, I would have killed myself last night. So thank you for texting me while I was lying in bed crying to myself. Crying out for help and you were the only one who listened. I love you for that.

JUST LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU. Please. I don't want to see you getting hurt. If you would just go with your instincts and leave her, you'd get it. She doesn't need you or seem to want you. She's just another cunt using you.
How can you NOT see it? Love is NOT blind. You can see it, you just refuse to. You won't believe it. Not until she royally screws you over. I'm sorry.


I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you. But I can't.

Thank you...

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being there for me last night. Thank you for caring. I love you. I really do. I care about you more than I care for any other being.
You keep telling me that I'm a "kickass chick" and I can only hope that you'll see that this is me. I am the person you are seeing. Nobody else has ever given me a chance to open up to you the way I'm able to. Nobody else has ever cared as much as you do.
You need to dump her. It will no doubtedly hurt her, but it's in YOUR best interest. It's YOUR heart I'm worried about. I don't know her, but what I know from your words is that she uses you. She uses you and you put up with it. Why? You assume things will get better. I assumed that as well. I only want to see you happy, and I think that you'd be happiest with me. We are SO MUCH alike. She's only going to end up hurting you in the end. You need to end it. You need to be with me. And I with you.

To John.
WHY?! Why did you feel the need to have passionate sex after three fucking years of nothing even near it? It made me cry afterwards. You didn't notice that. I hated you for hours afterwards. Just for making me feel like I could still love you. You have NEVER french kissed me. Why now? Did you cheat? Did you break my trust somehow? It's just not right. You've done something. You've done something bad, and I will not stop until I find it. I'll be leaving in this year. I'll be leaving where I can be happy.
THIS is why I need my license. I don't need a job. I need a license. That way, I can just take my car, pack it with my things, and leave. And never fucking come back. You can keep the animals. You can keep the mediocre things that I thought meant something. It will be hard to break up with you. Because you always blame me for everything. Because everything has always been my fault. Because according to you, I'm just an idiot who can do nothing right. I hate it. I have hated it. I just don't think I can take it much more. As soon as his house gets built, I'm moving in. And I'm leaving here. I'm leaving you. And I will finally be happy once I'm gone. And I will wait. I will wait until I can be Jason's girl. We will have a beautiful relationship. We will try to have a child together. We will be perfect, which is too much for you to even comprehend.

I do not need you. I do not need the sarcastic comments. I do not need the mental abuse every fucking day. I do not need you bitching about my friends just because I enjoy talking to them. I do not need YOU.

I'll be gone soon enough. At which point, there will be nothing you can do. I'll be gone, you'll be alone. Things will be wonderful in my life.
Yes, I will cry over what might have been. But then I will tell myself that it never could have been, because you were a jerk to me too many times. And I put up with it because I thought I loved you.

I am upset.
I am sad.

But it's not bad sad. It's worse sad. It's depression sad. I need someone to snuggle with right now. Someone who could hold me in their arms until I feel better. I'm just lonely.

You kept coming in here...

... but I don't think you realized that by coming in here and giving me this stress to talk about, you just brought me and him closer. Great job there, bud.

And now I've got a BEST friend. And you're going to have to deal with it. Because I'll be here, talking to him, while YOU'RE sitting there feeling sorry about yourself instead of joining in on the conversation. I'm going to try really hard to get out of here this weekend, which will no doubtedly piss you off into dumping me. It's likely that I'll have a place to crash when you kick me out. If I don't, I can just get Martine to pick me up.

You're an idiot for trying to keep me from having friends. If you'd only realize that my having friends would make me happier and more likely to put up with all the shit you throw at me. I feel GOOD about myself right now, and you really can't fuck that up for more than ten minutes at a time. Because we both know that you aren't going to confront me about it, you're just going to bitch about it. It's not going to work this time. I have a friend. A REAL friend. And there's nothing you can do to change that at this moment. I. Am. Happy.

Now if only I could make you realize that if I'm happy you'll be happy. How *do* I do that? Hrm. Maybe you'll start to see it for yourself. Perhaps.

Either way. I don't want to be the one to break this up, not when having him as a friend has actually brought you and I closer. You may not see it, but I do. Did you notice me snuggling you and giving you backrubs more often? No, you probably didn't. You probably just assume that your slave is trying to keep you happy. Either way, having a real friend is beneficial to our relationship. No, he doesn't have to be your friend. He only has to be mine. And I can talk about things with him. And it's not fucking sexual. And he still sees me as a friend, and that's MORE than I could ask for from him. He's great. He's the best friend I've ever had. No, you don't count in this category because you're my BOYfriend and not just my friend.

So yes, he and I will continue to talk about life and our personal problems. And there's nothing you can do about it. Yay. Because, more than likely, if he found out that HE was the cause of my phone minute loss, he'd probably pay for another phone card just so we could keep talking. Yeah, he's THAT awesome.

What the fuck?

And tonight, John, you ALMOST lost a friend for me. Because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. And Jason almost wanted nothing to do with me because he thought by that journal entry that YOU were getting upset at our friendship, which you are.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE FRIENDS and still be in a relationship with you? I just can't do it. Either I have to lose everyone, or I have to lose you.
I've been thinking about it SO MUCH lately. It's the only thing besides daddy's death that's still fuming in the back of my mind.
If only I had a place to go.
If only I had money to take care of myself.
If only I didn't CARE so fucking much.
If only...

It's always an "if only" situation with you. I wish that I could just flat out tell you what you do to my heart. It's like you're rolling it over with your truck EVERY TIME you say or do something like this. And part of me is wishing I had the strength to leave. And part of me is wishing there were a way to make things better. And part of me is just wanting to kill myself rather than deal with the confrontation of talking to you about it.
Why do I ALWAYS get hurt by you? Why don't I have a tough outer shell like everyone else around? Why must I suffer from the mental abuse from you? Why am I not smart enough to leave?
And don't get me wrong, I've tried. I have spent three fucking years trying. But nothing ever changes. You just keep killing me inside.
I have had more thoughts of suicide in this relationship than any other time in my life.

I like to pretend that it's just how life is turning out for us, it's just the stress. But I'm realizing more and more that it's just you.


You hurt my heart. Every fucking time. And I don't know how much longer until I die from it, from my own hand.

We're so alike...

... and I wish you'd stop seeing the differences.
... and I wish I knew how to make you understand that she's not the one for you.

She takes you for granted, and you come to me with it. I don't know what to say to you, because I wish every time we talk that you were mine. We both have our significant others. I wish I could tell you of the mental abuse I suffer from mine. I wish you would realize that we were meant to be together. I wish you could see this. And I know that unless she completely screws you over or cheats on you, you two will remain together, and I'll be left on the back burner until you need my advice or friendship. Yes, you're a great friend. You're the best friend I've ever had. I just wish that you could see the potential for so much more. You make me want to be a better person.
If I knew the car had the get up and go and the gas in it, I'd have gone to Biloxi tonight, just to see you. I agree that we need to spend time together. I just don't know how to let you see what she's doing to you. My first excuse not to go was because I don't have a drivers' license. I can't afford a ticket if I get pulled over. Then the more I thought about it, that car doesn't have barely any gas in it right now, and I'd get stuck on the side of the road on the way home and have to call John. Then I'd have to explain to him that I left the house at 2AM just to see and console you. Just to talk to you. Just to be near you. Just for the one hug, that one breath on my cheek. I think about this and I just wish that my life could have been easier. I wish that I hadn't stayed in this abusive relationship for so long. I wish that I could have been there for you when you and Sherry broke up. I wish that I could have been yours, and you mine. So I'll sit here, and when John gets up in the morning, I'll pretend that I'm happier than ever with him, just so nobody asks questions. And I'll deal with this shit like I have been for the past three years. Except now I don't have anyone to talk about YOU with. The only other even remotely close friend I have is John, and how do you tell your boyfriend your feelings for your best friend? It's not possible. So I'm going to continue being John's servant until he lets, yes, I said LETS, me get a drivers' license and a job. Until he LETS me be myself and run my own life. Because I don't have a choice. Because I manage to get myself into shit that I never should have gotten into in the first place.
I should have made it clear to John when we were in Oklahoma that I wasn't looking for a relationship with him. I was supposed to be with Billy, but then that got screwed up because he turned out to be a lying bastard living with some woman and her seven kids. Telling me I was the only one, telling me that one of her children were his when he rightfully knew that that little girl wasn't.
It's so fucking easy to lie. Especially when you don't give a fuck about the person. But how do I manage not to tell you my feelings towards you when I care SO MUCH about you? I want to cry and be held in your arms. I want to snuggle you in bed at night. I want to be there when your nightmares come back. I want to be there through all of your struggles not just as a friend, as a girlfriend or wife. I want to be your everything, and I don't know how to let you know.
And it's times like this that the suicidal tendencies come back, because I just don't know how to deal with this. And I'd like to smoke a joint, but anyone who might have the tiniest bit is in NV, and I'm so far away. The only person I could possibly turn to would be Chris, but I don't have his number anymore and he's too far away. And he wouldn't want to talk about that anyhow. He's not big on relationships.
So how, how do I deal with this? Do I just ignore these feelings and hope that they go away? Do I continue to open up to you about every other thing on the face of the planet but this? Do I sit here exhausted waiting for you to fulfill your promise by getting on Yahoo? I stayed up for you. I could have gone to bed with John, but I stayed up for you. I'm freezing my ass off, but I stayed up for you. I would do anything for you, and I wish you could see that. And yes, I sound completely neurotic. But it's 3:30AM, and I've been up all day and night waiting for you.

I am completely head over heels in love with you, and I have no way of making you see.

Jason

Is yet another new friend I've made recently. It started out that he and I were just random people who knew one person in common and never actually talked, and then on what would have been my dad's birthday, he commented on my journal entry on LJ and then we started talking on there for a few hours, leading to him giving me his email addy and phone number for texting, which was really neat of him. We've been nonstop texting each other for the past two days. It's cool to have a friend, especially one that John assumes I've been friends with for forever. I don't have to prove myself to John or Jason about this, and that's freaking awesome.
I've found religion again. I even asked someone about the Mormon religion and how it's different from Christianity. Said person is sending me bunches of reading material.

I wonder if he would understand and not just pity me if I told him about my relationship and stuff with John? I really hope not. This is the best connection I've had with someone in years, and I really don't want to lose that.
I really, really like him. I just kind of wish for my own jealous and personal needs that he'd break up with his g/f. I hate thinking like that, but being completely honest, it's true. I actually love this person, yeah, cliche I know, and I know that he feels at least a little bit of a connection with me as well. Just really wish that I had someone who would completely understand what John puts me through on a daily basis. The mental anguish I deal with, the bitching, the whining, he treats me like a slave most of the time and I just take it. And I'll continue to take it until I have funds to move out of here. I don't really have a choice.
So anyhow, John and his dad really got into it tonight, and his dad basically told him that he needs to find another place to live. We would have been kicked out had J not threatened his dad with breaking the lease. Heh. It expires in less than a year and I assume daddy dearest will be waiting for that exact moment. I've got to end this and find a place to stay. It's mandatory. Gotta love life.

And just when things start looking up...

He brings me down.

I made a friend. Yay. However, because that friend isn't someone that John particularly likes, he doesn't want me around her. Ever. And then his infamous comment...

"... well I can't tell you who to talk to, I can't tell you who your friends are, but stay away from her..."

Yeah. She's a person. A human being with a rough past that she's put behind her. So yeah, let's start judging people and then teach our children not to. What the hell?

You know, I think I might actually hang out with her sometime. Because I need some time away from John.

Completely sick of it...

I'm sick of the whining. I'm sick of the temper tantrums. I'm sick of being publicly embarassed, because apparently it's okay for the kids to say "dick" in a heavily populated area, but not "cunt."
I'm just sick of it.
And part of me wants to go ahead and "take a walk down the street," except that "down the street" is my term for "over to Michael's house." I want to get away from these bratty little fucks. I want to be alone. I want to get high. Sobriety isn't for me. It never really was.

Now, I could just go around and raid my allergy meds, but that would just make me more tired, hence more irritable. I don't want to be around John. I don't want to be around anyone right now... especially the kids. And for some reason, Louis finds it fun to come in here every two seconds so he can tell me that he can kill some thing on a game he's playing. Great. Do I care? No. Would I ever fucking care? No.
I come back here to be by myself. Not so that you follow me. Get it, got it, good.

And it's getting a lot worse since the twenty-fourth is coming by so soon. One week. Seven days. This is my week from hell. And it hasn't really started yet. If I end up killing myself, just assume that the depression has finally gotten to me.
And there's not a second that's going by that I'm not thinking about him. Even if it's just some small tidbit in the back of my mind, he's there.

I really wish Michael would befriend me again. I can't deal with this alone.

Somebody help me.



And I didn't actually sleep last night. I tossed and turned for about thirty minutes, then got back up and back on the computer. I'm running off absolutely no energy, and I feel like shit. And I need to get high. Note, I don't just "want" to get high, I actually need it. The suicidal tendencies are growing stronger. Drugs are my way away from that all.

I suppose I could go ahead and get a two hour nap right now if I wanted. Or I could wait until they all decide to get on their games and go walking up to Michael's. I'll eventually make a decision.


Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down...

So it's like this...

Michael assumed that I stole some of his weed. I did not. He refused to believe me for a while, and probably still doesn't, and now he wants to stop being my supplier. He's been lying to my face telling me that he doesn't have any at all. The other day I went over and found roaches sitting in his ashtray. Did I say anything to him? No. For the past few days, he's been having his smoking buddies and his clients over. I know that he's just holding out on me, and since there's no way in hell Don wants anything to do with us anymore, it's basically impossible for me to get high. And every time I mention to John that I'd like some alcohol, he blatantly refuses and starts a giant fight about how "he's so horrible that I have to drink just to get over him" which isn't the case. My mind's just kinda fucked up right now having to be sober, and I don't care that everyone around me thinks that this is doing me some good, because it isn't. I can't wait until John finally decides to let me get my drivers' license, because then I can get a job, hence money, meaning that I can buy my own shit.
I've already told R that I'm moving out as soon as I have the money to do so. Perhaps I should call her? Maybe.
I got to thinking last night about everything in this house that is actually MINE. Once I leave, John won't have shit. I would feel sorry for him for that fact, but after all the shit he's put me through over the past THREE YEARS, I think I've done enough for him.

Oh, and lately he expects me to be able to read his mind. The other night he was all bitchy because I didn't know right off the bat that he wanted to have sex. What the hell?

Oh, and the reason that Don doesn't want anything to do with us? Because we don't have as much money as he does because we don't live with our mommies and have no bills to pay. We have expenses. I fucking bought him a $200 camera and THIS is how he decides to repay us? Now that I know just how fucked up people are, I'm through giving out presents to people that are my friends.
And dad's birthday is this month, meaning that I'm going to force myself to smoke his cigar on his birthday. I'm dreading that day SO MUCH. I expect to get calls from Martine and Zach, and probably R as well. Jerome might call. To be perfectly honest, I just really don't want to hear from my family. It's going to be bad enough having John expect me to be happy as fuck. At least the kids shouldn't be here though. That'll make things better. I hate talking about dad in front of them, because they don't seem to understand the concept of death, much less the death of your family rock, the only person who ever seemed to be there for you when you needed it.

I just wish I had friends right now. I'd be putting on makeup to go out. o.o

So the question is, how is it that people make friends? I have no idea, and that's why I'm so lost. So please, tell me. Comment about it. I need to know.

I felt so pretty today, and we didn't even go anywhere important.

And then the kids started making profane remarks around elderly women in the store. Score one for Johnnie. So I've realized that no matter where I go with them, they will embarass me to no end. They will annoy me to the ends of the earth.
Oh, and Louis decided that since he didn't get a toy, he'd just throw a fit. He ended up stealing some gum from Hudsons, and John just brushed it off. WTF? Last night the little fucker was trying to steal from Wal-Mart... right in front of the cameras. How does John deal with this? He tells Louis that if he had actually stolen it, he'd have been in trouble. What? So he's not in trouble for TRYING to steal it? WTF is wrong with you people? And why in fuck's name am I associating with you?
AND...
I spent Wednesday and Thursday cleaning (and I mean REALLY cleaning) the house. So what happens Friday? John decides that that's the day he wants to empty the truck. Okay, fine. But instead of putting things where they belong in the house, he just throws it all over the place, because god knows I didn't work quite hard enough to make him happy by cleaning the fucking house. And I'm still waiting for Sunday night when he decides to bitch about how the house isn't clean. And I'll take it. I'll fucking take it. It's just another reason for me to leave when I get ready to.
I've finally come to the conclusion that his kids? They're just like him. They don't know what the fuck a trash can is either. It's so annoying playing mommy to three children, one of which is almost 40 years old. And it's not like his kids are toddlers. No, these kids are 11 and 13. They can miraculously pick up after themselves at their mom's house, but that skill gets thrown out the window on the way to this house. And they know how hard I work. They do. Do I get a thanks for cleaning their clothes? No. Do I get one for making them food? No. Do I get a fucking thank you for cleaning up their rooms? Hell no. Because that might make them look weak to me, and they've been taught otherwise. So, no, I'm not going to be told thank you. Because then they might have to use the rest of their manners. God knows that'd be horrible. And let's face it, they're teens and preteens. So yeah, John. Why not let them steal, just so long as they don't get caught. And let's let them take people for granted, because in the real world that'll work just fine.
I try so hard to be a fucking stepmom to these little brats, but I can't do it for much longer. I keep saying that. But when you really think about it, I can't fucking stand kids.
When I was 10, I was basically Zach's mother, because our real mother was too busy playing on the computer and hanging out in chat rooms. From then until we moved to Oklahoma (when I was around 13 or 14) I was a mother. And I have to say that I did SUCH a great job with that little boy. It was Martine that fucked it up. Because the fact is, he wasn't nearly the little snot he is now until she got a hold of him. You don't bribe kids. You don't give in to their every whim. You let them know who the parent is and you keep it that way.
When I was 19, I met John's kids. The first few times they came over, they were perfect angels. Now that they know how to manipulate people (thanks, John), they basically do whatever the fuck they want. They know that they can and will get away with more over here than at their mom's house. Because John's a big softie for them. He'll do anything just so long as they still love him and want to be around him 24/7. He's not meant to be a parent. Let's just put it that way.

I could REALLY use a joint right now. You don't understand it. I need to go into the bathroom, smoke a joint, and chill for a little while. Maybe take a bath. I need to be alone where nobody's going to bother me. Do I have weed? Of course not, because Michael decided that he thinks I'm a thief like his nephews. I didn't steal his shit. I cared about him. I still do. But now he's constantly an asshole to me. I just thought that we could have been friends. And now I know that we never could have. Because somehow, somewhere, something's going to get fucked up, and I will always be alone.

Fuck you, world.

Greedy

"I'm tearing away
Pieces are falling
I can't seem to make them stay
You run away
Faster and faster
You can't seem to get away

Break

Hope there's a reason
For questions unanswered
I just don't see everything
Yes I'm inside you
Tell me how does it feel to feel like this
Just like I do

I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone

Do I really want this
Sometimes I scare myself I just can't let it go
Can you believe it
Everything happens for reasons I just don't know

I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone
I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone or anything but me
Damn I love me

I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone
I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone

I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone"



Sorry, got caught in the middle of listening to Drowning Pool on my radios. XD I like this song cause I am a greedy ass bitch when it all comes down to it. I have a need for certain things, so of course, I'm going to live myself the way it's worked out thus far.

I can't help but think that at least Michael would drive me to and from work. True, he'd probably just be as asshole-y as John is half the time about money, but at least then I could say that I had my own money and it was basically for me. We wouldn't be dating. He'd have no right, whatsoever, over my cash.

I basically just want to decorate a place and clean it up. It's impossible around here what with the kids throwing shit on the floor faster than even Superman could clean it up. They're little trashy monsters. I hate them, I hate their father, they all make fun of me and think it's just hilarious whenever they hit me and I cry. Fuck you, you little fuckers. All of you.


Thinking of making a nice little rest stop to the bathroom, but I'd be smoking the very last of my stems, and I've still got to find a way to get more from Michael soon, cause these children WILL drive me up the fucking wall.

Lovefool

"Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not pledge a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go..."

Really craving friendship at this point. Maybe I should just come on out to Michael and tell him that I might be interested in staying with him for a while if he'd have me. Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody's that freaking generous. And I could lose the little bit of a friendship that I do have with him just by asking.

So, I've got my radio stations up and running. Jamming to Madonna at the moment, cause I'm in a Pop-Alternative mood for some reason. Waiting for Duran Duran...


So anyhow, Michael seemed to completely ignore my text messages to him this morning which kind of pissed me off. But, seeing as how there's really nothing I can do about it, I get to just deal with it. John's been trying to sneak around and see what I've been up to on the computer. It's my fucking computer, bought with my fucking money, using my internet. Why is this any of your concern?

Anyhow, they've just made lunch and I have to go eat it. I may end up posting again tonight. I really just hope that John finds another reason to get out of the house for a couple hours. I really want to hang out with Michael today.

To Lose Everything...

I try to decipher whether or not I could leave everything behind me and start a new life. Start things over. Go out and just have to be responsible for myself. Yeah, I'd really like to live with Michael once he moves. He's leaving all of his family behind. He's a lot stronger than everyone gives him credit for. And he deals with a lot of bullshit from his family and so-called friends. I think that I may be one of the only real friends he has. If he's going to continue to smoke weed, yes, I'd very much like to be his roommate. He and I get along great together, we smoke together, I look out for him. He's like a big brother, and I like that. Knowing that he'll soon have enough money to live comfortably for a while totally brings out the whore side of me who just wants a sugardaddy, but then I realize that Michael and I are better friends than John and I are, and if Michael can take me wherever he's going, I'd like to start over new and just leave the giant void in my life behind. Leave everything and everyone that's ever hurt me or wished me harm. Just go. I just really want to move out of here. And Michael's place is really looking like a sane decision at the moment.

So, life's been.. well, life. I've been hanging out with Michael a lot more lately, and we're beginning a nice friendship. Before bed last night, I pictured myself living with him instead of John. It was nice. We wouldn't be dating, we'd just be roommates. It'd be really cool to live with a friend for once.

So I'm awake. And it's 9:30 in the morning, so we know there's a problem. I've been INCREDIBLY sick today and I don't know why. Perhaps stress for spending so much time over there and hoping John doesn't come home early? I don't know. I'll probably start cleaning up around here shortly. We've got the kids this weekend, so the house has to look decent. And I'll HAVE to see Michael today to talk about getting some weekend weed cause those kids are hell and I enjoy being stoned around them 24/7. Haha. Besides, John usually takes us to go see movies and shit when they're here.

Anyhow, smoked half a joint this morning. About to throw the roach in the pipe and smoke it too. The wonderful thing about being awake at 9:30 in the morning? There's enough time for the smell to disappate from my weedage. That's right, I get to smoke in any room of the house, and because of all the fans that are kept going, the smell will be gone by the time John gets home. I don't do this every day, mainly because I'm not up this early every day and I don't know what days John's dad is going to decide to drop in and try to fix this place up. Horrible having landlords... but good at the same time cause they fix shit.

I think I've basically figured out why I am the way I am. I'm naturally cautious. I'm a fucking responsible person, and because of that, I've never actually gotten wasted at a party, or even gone out to drink much with my friends in OK. I hate it. I wish that I could let loose and have a good time most of the time. It's in my genetic discription to make sure that everyone's all cool with each other and shit. It's random and weird.


So anyhow, I get to weigh myself today, and see if the exercising that I've been doing is paying off.
...
...
...

So, the verdict is, yes, I have been losing weight. Yay me. I just grabbed my pipe, so I'm going to smoke that roach now, and then shoot off a text to Michael to text me back when he wakes up.

Stonerdom

... which is my new word for my happyhightime.
So, currently, I'm just a tad buzzed listening to A Perfect Circle and about to play some online MMORPG for entertainment. John's at work, Michael's not around to go smoke with and hang out with, meaning that I'm alone. And I have a couple joints rolled for later. Should be a good day, at least until John gets home. Then he might ruin it by being a complete asshole, but I've come to expect that from him.
Oh, and I'm all dressed casual-chic so if I actually do decide to go hang out with Michael, I'm dressed decently. I look hot.
Anyhow, my desk is set up completely for gamerdom, with tictacs to snack on, couple packs of cigarettes, clean ashtray, drink, and lip gloss with moisturizers. I'd say I'm good for a while... at least an hour or so.


Anyhow, I need to figure out how to let anonymous commenters be allowed, if it's not on already. Feel free to leave any type of comment you like, asking questions or just saying hello.

This is a short post, because, basically, I only have a little to say.



So I got a little two-second break to go talk to Michael, and he said he had already smoked the buds he had put out for me cause he was jonesing, which I completely understand, you know? So anyhow, he told me he'd be putting out some for me in our little secret bud exchange place a couple seconds before he leaves. Now I've just got to sit here and wait until he leaves. But alas, I may actually be getting high tonight on something other than the accumulated resin on my pipe, which I've been smoking for the past two weeks. Hasn't really been working out for me, but at least if I have real weed, I can take a nice warm bath tonight and smoke a joint. Thank god I got some papers from him the last time I had weed. Smoking out of a pipe is nice, but after a while, I'd just rather smoke a joint. I enjoy rolling them and smoking them. PLUS, that way, it's a lot easier to smoke in the bathroom with that little vent.



Oh, and yeah, John has no idea I still smoke pot. Life's good. I hate keeping secrets from him, but if I tell him I'm still smoking, he'll start asking questions about where I got it, and that whole "I found it in the yard" bit is starting to get a little transparent.



True, I know I'll have to stop completely smoking weed once Michael moves out from behind the house. But while he's here, it's not that big of a deal to me that I smoke a little weed now and then. I'd rather be drinking, but, seeing as how that's much more difficult for me to conceal, I think that for now I'll just stick with the pot.

I.
Can't.
Freaking.
Wait.
Until.
He.
Leaves.
And.
Drops.
Off.
My.
Smoke.


I've recently found out just how cruel John is to animals. He just tortured the fuck out of his cat. And all the cat did was fucking growl at him. I mean, what the hell? A growl does not turn into a hogtie. And thumping the poor little dude's nuts? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Waiting for him to try that shit in front of another witness so I can call the ASPCA on his ass.



I need some smoke. Michael, get your ass gone so I can roll a damned joint.

Rantings of a Mad Woman

I wrote a song today. I wish I were more creative, but what I wrote seems decent enough. Once I learn to play my guitar I'll put some music to it.


I've been intensely lonely lately. It's like, John's in the house, but he gets fed up with me about nothingness, which causes me to feel like dog shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And then I come back here to be alone, and after about fifteen minutes, he feels the need to barge in on me and check to see what I'm doing.
Last night I had to close pages of one of the forums I belong to before he noticed what it was. It sucks living with people who won't accept parts of your lifestyle, but when it's your own boyfriend... well, it's much harder. Not to mention that the girl he's got his eye on at Sam's thinks he's a fucknut. No, she didn't use those words, but once I confirmed our relationship to her, she told me I could do "much better." What, you think I don't know that? It's pretty fucking obvious. The guy's eighteen years older than me.
My problem is that I'm so unadjusted to the world that I don't know how to meet guys - or any type of friends, really. I've been trying to figure out how, but John doesn't have any input because he's afraid that if I make friends, I won't be around to be his slave 24/7, which I won't. However, I need people to drink with, I need to be around people MY age, who think about the same things *I* think about. I need friends who want to "cruise the strip" and not just talk about how they did that way back when.
Brad's stepdaughter (the oldest) is only like nineteen years old, and they let her drink as much alcohol as she wants. I'm almost twenty-one. Why don't I get those same privleges? Because my boyfriend loves to control anything he can about me. He pretends I'm his daughter, but he won't admit it. I think the guy has some serious incest fetishes. Perhaps that's just me being me though.

The suicidal tendencies have been getting worse. I've thought multiple times today about just grabbing that goddamned knife that I accidentally cut my finger with the other night and jamming it directly through my chest. This detox is driving me insane. But, until John decides to run to the store or go fishing or something by himself, I've got no chance to even GET any weed from Michael. And if I could have gotten over there two days ago, he wouldn't have been able to give me that bullshit story about how he doesn't have any. I smelled it on him when he came over asking John to fix his laptop for him.
I'm not a fucking idiot, so why does everyone keep assuming that I am? Is it because of my relationship with John? More than likely. I mean, let's face it, what young girl in her twenties wants to date some guy in his late thirties for THREE YEARS, only to be treated like utter shit? I could understand it if maybe he had money, but he's completely broke, and has been since I've known him. I just wish I wouldn't have spent so much money on him and his kids when that said money was supposed to go towards things for ME. I could have fucking moved out. I could have fucking DONE something with my life, but instead, when he decided that we should all buy expensive cameras, I went with it, rather than listen to him bawl like a three year old in the middle of the goddamned store. Did he even NEED the GPS I bought him? Hell no, he has one already. And he even made the comment that if I never got around to buying one for myself, the one I bought him would be MINE. So why is he telling everyone that it's his? Maybe THAT'S why Don doesn't want anything to do with us? He finally realized what kind of a jackass John really is.
And with the kids, oh my fucking god. I feel like strangling them half the time. I'm not ready for a fucking family. Yet for some reason, he finds it funny to leave me with the most destructive one who won't listen to me for shit, while he takes the other one fishing ALL FUCKING DAY. Who would fucking do that? And it's quite funny, because if he's not giving in to the little brat, he's trying to make up for lost time with the older little firestarter. DON'T YOU GET IT? They're BOTH your children, and you should spend time with BOTH of them. L is getting jealous, and you don't seem to even KNOW this because you don't spend enough time with him. But YET, you get mad at me when I try to discipline them. What? You WANT them to be little spoiled brats? Yeah, more work for Cora, right? I can see why she hates him, and I completely understand the unspoken hate for John that she has.
If he's not spending all of his time on his computer playing games, he's bitching about how you don't want to spend any time with him watching stupid television shows that you happen to HATE.
It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to be around him. I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. I want nothing to do with him. And to be fucking honest, if I knew Michael would have me, I'd ask him if I could fucking move in. Not for a relationship, just to live somewhere WITHOUT John breathing down my fucking neck every two seconds. Let's face it, people need space. Even more so when you're smothering them every day. And when he's not smothering me, he's bitching about how "his house" keeps getting messed up. I'm sorry, but I clean up after myself. I even pick up after him. Still, with all the shit he brings home from work, it's a miracle there's space to walk around in this house. You want me to clean dishes in less than thirty minutes? Get a fucking sink that will actually DRAIN. THAT is the reason that there's still a giant box of dirty dishes from the other house. Because I wasn't around to clean them there, and now that the sink won't drain here, I have no way to clean them. Get the shit fixed, and THEN you can bitch about how it's not done when you want it done. That's another thing, if you want it done so bad, how about getting off of your computer game for a few minutes and DO THEM YOURSELF. Just stop treating me like the redheaded stepchild, and start treating me like your girlfriend.
And just for the record, I stopped caring so much about you proposing, because I've been thinking for the past two years that as soon as I can get the money, I'm leaving your sorry ass, and you'll probably never see me again. FUCK YOU.

On another note, I've been sicker than hell, but apparently that's not any kind of excuse why I can't get everysinglefuckingthing done around here in two hours.
I hate him.