Politics

You've been trying to do anything and everything to get me to change my mind from voting for the black democrat. Why? Are you really that racist? You've sat here showing me everything that was on the fucking internet bashing him just so I'll vote for McCain. Well, guess what? If it weren't for Palin, I WOULD be voting for him. K? Yeah. It's just that I'm not going to sit there and have someone who believes that no women should have rights over their own bodies tell me how to live. FUCK YOU. I will vote for who I want to vote for. I am not your puppet. I stopped that a long time ago. MY OPINION MATTERS. Whether you want to believe it or not.

So yeah. Fuck you. Why don't you go make babies with Palin since you love her so goddamned much.

And it's like...

... you don't even care. I sit here, day after fucking day. I deal with you. You said that it's "so like a man to want sex and then get out of bed afterwards." Well, yeah. I am the man in this relationship because for three fucking years you're showed yourself to be a pussy.

And you know what? I fucking told you how I felt last night. I fucking did. And what did you do? Instead of telling me that you're sorry and you'll try to change, you fucking defended yourself. "No, I don't do that. And besides blah blah blah." And you change the fucking subject instead of dealing with things. For someone who adores confrontation, you sure do change the subject quick. If you're going to start shit with me, be fucking ready to deal with the consequences.
I think the main reason I'll be leaving is because I'm just so sick of defending you in front of my family. Nobody likes the fact that you're eighteen years older than me. Nobody. Maybe your little friends out in the world think it's "hot" or whatever, but my family cannot fucking stand you. Do you know how it felt when I was mistaken that you were the only boyfriend dad ever liked? I had told half of my fucking family that believing that it was true, only to find out that he never told me he didn't like you. I get it. I can see that he didn't want to hurt his daughters feelings, but I felt like SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. And you know what? The next boyfriend I have will be an all-around good person. Because hopefully, the next boyfriend I have will be him. And he will care about me. And we'll have a good, open communication relationship. It's just so hard to deal with you. I can't talk to you about anything, because you just don't want to hear it. I try. But every suggestion I bring up to make our relationship better ... you just don't care. So I've given up. And I'll be glad when I'm gone.
Yeah, it's going to hurt. But not forever. It's going to hurt me like hell to actually leave you. But then I'll realize that I'm doing it for the best. I'm doing it to make myself and you happier. Because, whether you want to believe it or not, we're not right together. We're both argumentative. We're both bitches. And I wouldn't be such a bitch if I didn't have to defend every fucking person I come into contact with.

BTW, what the fuck was up with you last night? I was with YOUR BROTHER. Not some random stranger. So why'd you get so pissy with me being out a little later? You had every opportunity to stay. But you wanted to try to ruin the interaction I was having with another human being. You wanted to fuck up any friendship I had with anyone. And at first I thought it was just with Jason. You don't know him so you don't like him. Great. But your brother... he's a good guy. Do you REALLY believe he's going to try to hit on me? Really? Because you and I both know that he won't. You just don't want me to talk to anyone but you. You'll come up with any excuse you can to be mad at me, and that's why I think you secretly want our relationship to be over. So I guess I'll be doing us both a favor.

You wonder why I don't give you blowjobs that often? It's because your cock is so fucking dirty half the time. Shower - then we'll talk. Kay?

I still have that sneaking suspicion that you're cheating on me. You probably are. That's probably why you'll pick a fight with me over anything.

Another BTW: How come you always bitch about something not being done WHEN I FUCKING START DOING IT?! Okay, the dishes needed to be done. I got some of them done. Then you came home bitching about how they needed to be done for this long and nobody ever got them started. Yeah. I did. I just don't know what your problem is. You have some serious anger issues that you need to figure out.
And you know what? This house would have been cleaner sooner if I had some help. Guess the only way to get you to do anything is to stay and hang out with your brother for a while. Then you start getting so pissed off that you actually face your responsibilities. Hrm. Interesting.

And you know, I kind of don't want to go have lunch with Jason, because I know that one day you'll be coming home and bitching cause "I wasn't there." Whatever. You don't want me having friends? Fucking admit it instead of moving every which way around the subject. But the reason I don't want to go have lunch with him? Because it'll start another fucking fight over something completely retarded. I want you to meet him. I do. But he already hates you for fucking raping me. And he's already wanting to kill your ass. And overall, I'm embarassed by you. You're dirty, your teeth are seriously fucked up because you never cared to take care of your personal hygiene. You're a complete asshole around my friends. That's why Tim doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Because you scared him away. I just hate you. But I will always love you. Just because of the fact that you were there when Billy was a cocksucker to me.
We'd be great friends. But this breakup isn't going to go that well. I just know it.



One month. Until I'm gone.

John

Re-reading some of the past entries in here, and I just got SO SICK to my stomach. Because you're absolutely disgusting. I hate you.

I'm seriously sitting here gagging. How long has it been since you showered last? Two weeks, a month?
You're gross. I don't like you. Leave me alone.

You won't get it.

Even though you think you will. It's really difficult for me to even slightly express myself to you.

You're going to marry her? I don't know if I can handle this. She's not the girl for you. She uses you. She goes out to bars with other men. And you allow this. She's cheating on you. And you refuse to believe it because she tells you that she loves you. I'm sorry, Jason, but I just can't tell you this. Even though I truly believe it to be the truth.
I'm sorry.

And I know that all of my jealousy springs from her. How wonderfully pretty she is. How "sweet" and innocent she acts. How she's yours, and I'm his. I don't want to be with John. I have got to get out of here. I swear, if you had invited me to go to Dallas with you, I would have gone. We need to spend some time together, just so I can let you see what's going on.

I just wonder if all of those comments you text me are your true feelings or just something that sounds cool to say. My self esteem is shitty right now, and knowing that you're planning on marrying her... well, it's so close to me grabbing the knife. Just because I don't want to see you hurt. And I kept thinking of it last night, and how I would do anything just to see you happy. I just don't want to see you getting hurt. You're my friend. I care about you. In fact, you're the only friend I have who I don't feel is using me.
Even R only talks to me when she needs someone to listen. And for a long time there was no problem with that. But I'm working hard to become a better person. And everyone just keeps trying to pull me backwards. You're the only one pushing me forward.

I need to get away from John. If only for a few hours, I do. I wish you weren't so busy this week.









I miss you.
And I love you and always will.

How?

How can I make you see that your depression and anxiety towards her is JUSTIFIED?! She's using you. She HAS been using you. I can't fucking tell you this for fear of losing you as a friend. Life is hard.
On the other hand, you and you alone are the reason I'm not dead right now. Yes, I would have killed myself last night. So thank you for texting me while I was lying in bed crying to myself. Crying out for help and you were the only one who listened. I love you for that.

JUST LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU. Please. I don't want to see you getting hurt. If you would just go with your instincts and leave her, you'd get it. She doesn't need you or seem to want you. She's just another cunt using you.
How can you NOT see it? Love is NOT blind. You can see it, you just refuse to. You won't believe it. Not until she royally screws you over. I'm sorry.


I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you. But I can't.

Thank you...

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being there for me last night. Thank you for caring. I love you. I really do. I care about you more than I care for any other being.
You keep telling me that I'm a "kickass chick" and I can only hope that you'll see that this is me. I am the person you are seeing. Nobody else has ever given me a chance to open up to you the way I'm able to. Nobody else has ever cared as much as you do.
You need to dump her. It will no doubtedly hurt her, but it's in YOUR best interest. It's YOUR heart I'm worried about. I don't know her, but what I know from your words is that she uses you. She uses you and you put up with it. Why? You assume things will get better. I assumed that as well. I only want to see you happy, and I think that you'd be happiest with me. We are SO MUCH alike. She's only going to end up hurting you in the end. You need to end it. You need to be with me. And I with you.

To John.
WHY?! Why did you feel the need to have passionate sex after three fucking years of nothing even near it? It made me cry afterwards. You didn't notice that. I hated you for hours afterwards. Just for making me feel like I could still love you. You have NEVER french kissed me. Why now? Did you cheat? Did you break my trust somehow? It's just not right. You've done something. You've done something bad, and I will not stop until I find it. I'll be leaving in this year. I'll be leaving where I can be happy.
THIS is why I need my license. I don't need a job. I need a license. That way, I can just take my car, pack it with my things, and leave. And never fucking come back. You can keep the animals. You can keep the mediocre things that I thought meant something. It will be hard to break up with you. Because you always blame me for everything. Because everything has always been my fault. Because according to you, I'm just an idiot who can do nothing right. I hate it. I have hated it. I just don't think I can take it much more. As soon as his house gets built, I'm moving in. And I'm leaving here. I'm leaving you. And I will finally be happy once I'm gone. And I will wait. I will wait until I can be Jason's girl. We will have a beautiful relationship. We will try to have a child together. We will be perfect, which is too much for you to even comprehend.

I do not need you. I do not need the sarcastic comments. I do not need the mental abuse every fucking day. I do not need you bitching about my friends just because I enjoy talking to them. I do not need YOU.

I'll be gone soon enough. At which point, there will be nothing you can do. I'll be gone, you'll be alone. Things will be wonderful in my life.
Yes, I will cry over what might have been. But then I will tell myself that it never could have been, because you were a jerk to me too many times. And I put up with it because I thought I loved you.

I am upset.
I am sad.

But it's not bad sad. It's worse sad. It's depression sad. I need someone to snuggle with right now. Someone who could hold me in their arms until I feel better. I'm just lonely.

You kept coming in here...

... but I don't think you realized that by coming in here and giving me this stress to talk about, you just brought me and him closer. Great job there, bud.

And now I've got a BEST friend. And you're going to have to deal with it. Because I'll be here, talking to him, while YOU'RE sitting there feeling sorry about yourself instead of joining in on the conversation. I'm going to try really hard to get out of here this weekend, which will no doubtedly piss you off into dumping me. It's likely that I'll have a place to crash when you kick me out. If I don't, I can just get Martine to pick me up.

You're an idiot for trying to keep me from having friends. If you'd only realize that my having friends would make me happier and more likely to put up with all the shit you throw at me. I feel GOOD about myself right now, and you really can't fuck that up for more than ten minutes at a time. Because we both know that you aren't going to confront me about it, you're just going to bitch about it. It's not going to work this time. I have a friend. A REAL friend. And there's nothing you can do to change that at this moment. I. Am. Happy.

Now if only I could make you realize that if I'm happy you'll be happy. How *do* I do that? Hrm. Maybe you'll start to see it for yourself. Perhaps.

Either way. I don't want to be the one to break this up, not when having him as a friend has actually brought you and I closer. You may not see it, but I do. Did you notice me snuggling you and giving you backrubs more often? No, you probably didn't. You probably just assume that your slave is trying to keep you happy. Either way, having a real friend is beneficial to our relationship. No, he doesn't have to be your friend. He only has to be mine. And I can talk about things with him. And it's not fucking sexual. And he still sees me as a friend, and that's MORE than I could ask for from him. He's great. He's the best friend I've ever had. No, you don't count in this category because you're my BOYfriend and not just my friend.

So yes, he and I will continue to talk about life and our personal problems. And there's nothing you can do about it. Yay. Because, more than likely, if he found out that HE was the cause of my phone minute loss, he'd probably pay for another phone card just so we could keep talking. Yeah, he's THAT awesome.

What the fuck?

And tonight, John, you ALMOST lost a friend for me. Because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. And Jason almost wanted nothing to do with me because he thought by that journal entry that YOU were getting upset at our friendship, which you are.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE FRIENDS and still be in a relationship with you? I just can't do it. Either I have to lose everyone, or I have to lose you.
I've been thinking about it SO MUCH lately. It's the only thing besides daddy's death that's still fuming in the back of my mind.
If only I had a place to go.
If only I had money to take care of myself.
If only I didn't CARE so fucking much.
If only...

It's always an "if only" situation with you. I wish that I could just flat out tell you what you do to my heart. It's like you're rolling it over with your truck EVERY TIME you say or do something like this. And part of me is wishing I had the strength to leave. And part of me is wishing there were a way to make things better. And part of me is just wanting to kill myself rather than deal with the confrontation of talking to you about it.
Why do I ALWAYS get hurt by you? Why don't I have a tough outer shell like everyone else around? Why must I suffer from the mental abuse from you? Why am I not smart enough to leave?
And don't get me wrong, I've tried. I have spent three fucking years trying. But nothing ever changes. You just keep killing me inside.
I have had more thoughts of suicide in this relationship than any other time in my life.

I like to pretend that it's just how life is turning out for us, it's just the stress. But I'm realizing more and more that it's just you.


You hurt my heart. Every fucking time. And I don't know how much longer until I die from it, from my own hand.

We're so alike...

... and I wish you'd stop seeing the differences.
... and I wish I knew how to make you understand that she's not the one for you.

She takes you for granted, and you come to me with it. I don't know what to say to you, because I wish every time we talk that you were mine. We both have our significant others. I wish I could tell you of the mental abuse I suffer from mine. I wish you would realize that we were meant to be together. I wish you could see this. And I know that unless she completely screws you over or cheats on you, you two will remain together, and I'll be left on the back burner until you need my advice or friendship. Yes, you're a great friend. You're the best friend I've ever had. I just wish that you could see the potential for so much more. You make me want to be a better person.
If I knew the car had the get up and go and the gas in it, I'd have gone to Biloxi tonight, just to see you. I agree that we need to spend time together. I just don't know how to let you see what she's doing to you. My first excuse not to go was because I don't have a drivers' license. I can't afford a ticket if I get pulled over. Then the more I thought about it, that car doesn't have barely any gas in it right now, and I'd get stuck on the side of the road on the way home and have to call John. Then I'd have to explain to him that I left the house at 2AM just to see and console you. Just to talk to you. Just to be near you. Just for the one hug, that one breath on my cheek. I think about this and I just wish that my life could have been easier. I wish that I hadn't stayed in this abusive relationship for so long. I wish that I could have been there for you when you and Sherry broke up. I wish that I could have been yours, and you mine. So I'll sit here, and when John gets up in the morning, I'll pretend that I'm happier than ever with him, just so nobody asks questions. And I'll deal with this shit like I have been for the past three years. Except now I don't have anyone to talk about YOU with. The only other even remotely close friend I have is John, and how do you tell your boyfriend your feelings for your best friend? It's not possible. So I'm going to continue being John's servant until he lets, yes, I said LETS, me get a drivers' license and a job. Until he LETS me be myself and run my own life. Because I don't have a choice. Because I manage to get myself into shit that I never should have gotten into in the first place.
I should have made it clear to John when we were in Oklahoma that I wasn't looking for a relationship with him. I was supposed to be with Billy, but then that got screwed up because he turned out to be a lying bastard living with some woman and her seven kids. Telling me I was the only one, telling me that one of her children were his when he rightfully knew that that little girl wasn't.
It's so fucking easy to lie. Especially when you don't give a fuck about the person. But how do I manage not to tell you my feelings towards you when I care SO MUCH about you? I want to cry and be held in your arms. I want to snuggle you in bed at night. I want to be there when your nightmares come back. I want to be there through all of your struggles not just as a friend, as a girlfriend or wife. I want to be your everything, and I don't know how to let you know.
And it's times like this that the suicidal tendencies come back, because I just don't know how to deal with this. And I'd like to smoke a joint, but anyone who might have the tiniest bit is in NV, and I'm so far away. The only person I could possibly turn to would be Chris, but I don't have his number anymore and he's too far away. And he wouldn't want to talk about that anyhow. He's not big on relationships.
So how, how do I deal with this? Do I just ignore these feelings and hope that they go away? Do I continue to open up to you about every other thing on the face of the planet but this? Do I sit here exhausted waiting for you to fulfill your promise by getting on Yahoo? I stayed up for you. I could have gone to bed with John, but I stayed up for you. I'm freezing my ass off, but I stayed up for you. I would do anything for you, and I wish you could see that. And yes, I sound completely neurotic. But it's 3:30AM, and I've been up all day and night waiting for you.

I am completely head over heels in love with you, and I have no way of making you see.